We help each other a ton: I carry the groceries and he holds me and listens when I need it. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. Or bringing you vegetable soup when youre too depressed to cook? I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. Im starting to have a shoulders-to-the-ears reaction any time a LW mentions how logical or reasonable their partner is. Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. He would critique all of my eating habits (If I ate a piece of candy, he would yell about how it is full of lard! and I would sit in front of him and make lots of eye contact and say Tasty tasty lard. He may even try and find an alternative route so he can avoid spending time alone with you, or cancel at the last moment if he does suggest it because something came up. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! But when he starts talking about how hes going to end it they cant help but treat you differently. Knowing that fucking up around him was something forgivable (or something which didnt need forgiving) meant I felt braver about trying new things because failing wasnt so terrible an outcome. LW, Im sorry youre struggling with depression, and Id like to offer you a fist-bump of commiseration for the emotional work youre already doing, if youd like that. (Side note, I knew Id keep my current partner when, about 3 hours after telling him about how I wanted to be healthier and asking him to help me, he walked in on me stress-eating a peanut-butter and chocolate chip sandwich after a particularly stressful phone call, and his only comment was You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave. Thats love, folks.). My partner trusted me about what was going on in my own body, even when it was weird and new and disturbing, and he didnt push me. Eating is a big thing for me and something I skip doing when my brain gets jerky. 14. Is there anything you need to bring up?" I think this is great advice. Though I would be concerned that a person who says the things he says would also have a completely not-of-reality idea of how much housework is being done by whom and, if hes anything like my ex who pulled similar stunts, possibly expecting LW to do most/all of it because hes riding on privilege+entitlement. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. Too many arguments lead up to less making an effort. Hes interested in his version of you. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. My next question is maybe an obvious one, but what would happen if you didnt have a self-appointed expert on you and what you should be doing jump down your throat about all of your life choices or give you the silent treatment in your life at all? You are not the target demographic. You need to sit down (maybe with your therapist) and make an objective list of all the nice things he is, versus all the things that are hurting you. I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. Yo! Cosigned. also: breakfast for dinner is awesome and should be a part of every week Unless you dont want it to be, in which case it shouldnt! My husband is in a club that meets once a month when he has that meeting I have Chipotle for dinner. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. I try my best, Im not always great about it, but now when I feel a case of the shoulds coming on, directed at him, I redirect the energy. I dont know if that makes sense? Im so angry that you have cancer; its unfair and I hate to see you suffering. Reasonable. He is not the boss of you, and something in you has woken up to that. He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Only the writer can ascertain the true lay of the land, and Im very pleased shes seeing a good therapist; she seems to be on the road to recovery. Some guys are just lazy, especially when it comes to relationships. Then reluctantly, because I was learning my own tastes, and Im not fond of tea in any of its many flavors. I love it!! Now youre healing and getting better, and he doesnt have the control he used to! Yup. He just got bored, moved country and started again without divorcing. Now, if he didnt react well to that, I might change it, but he says it is good to hear. And should usually comes from a not so great place. That is some high-level head games. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. He will always be someone who has a history of serious self harm, who has anxiety and gets very low mood crashes. Your email address will not be published. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. The awful thing is that our families groom us to be victims of whatever BS is their flavour of abuse, and then there we are, pre-groomed for whatever arseholes show up to take advantage. This may, sadly, be a dump him situation. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. Well, I mean, as someone who prefers her boys on the skinny side, it is totally true that everyone gets to have preferences. I am an overly logical person. Focus on your job/school/career/interests/hobbies/family/friends because this will make you a lot more interesting. And remember you are AWESOME for taking care of yourself and making such good progress. It took a while, but he doesnt do it much any more. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? Some men just dont want to be committed; it is not your responsibility to change that. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. This guy is manipulative. Low self-esteem. But in my experience, the kind of mindset that prides itself on being reasonable and feels comfortable saying thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard to ANYTHING their loved one says. Examine your behavior. You might ask the following questions: Why did . Or is his logic/reason for believing this just that it makes sense in his head and should therefore make sense in the real world? Your efforts to change your partner's contrary viewpoints (financial, political, religious, or otherwise) have begun to feel demeaning or disrespectful to them, as betraying not only your. Hlep is that thing that looks like help and is presented in a context that would normally surround helpuntil you blink and look again and realize that it isnt help at all. Fun schmun, he can chop thirty onions and keep his mouth shut. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. You know that already because you are experiencing it first hand. When Dad was having a pity party, I flat out told him that he had driven her away with his constant controlling and put downs. YES! It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? It's no secret that men aren't eager to discuss feelings. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, but hes come to the conclusion that, if she just does these things, I wont have to deal with her being depressed.. Until he tells you what the problem is, just let it be. If theres child support or alimony involved, the presence of those forms should be able to take care of the financial requirements.). My jaded self is all "Flee! Its a very belittling thing to say. I like it on toasted cinnamon-raisin bread. Life might be simpler for some of us if it were like that, but it isnt. That was threatening to him. Listen to his response and try to . What kind of wording do you want me to use? Any way you do it, its all good. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? If you are depressed, and your partner likes and loves you, and wants to help you with care and recovery, theres a real risk theyll become frustrated and upset when presented with evidence that progress isnt happening. It seems like his help is nothing more than poorly disguised undermining of you. Maybe it has nothing to do with you. Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). My partner and I love the ideas of self improvement, but as with most folks, we often talk more about it than do it. This is emotional abuse designed to make you feel incompetent and bend your will to his. At the same time, dont make it too easy for him to get away with not making an effort because he may take that as a sign that youre afraid of losing him or that your feelings about his behavior arent really all that strong which could lead you two nowhere at all. There are many negative reactions a person can have when interacting with a depressed partner. Second, I think that anything you can do to reach out to people who are Not Your Boyfriend is going to help. I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? , Become a copyeditor, buy a classic motorcycle thats been garaged since Trudeau was PM . He wanted to call the shots. What steps can you take in order for him to feel less obliged and more willing again about making an effort with your relationship? I suspect a lot of commenters are going to scream angry bees, run away, and theyre not wrong; your partners behavior is a bit like tiger stripes in tall grass: it looks like one thing (concern for you) but might be something far less pleasant. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. Following the health was hurt because of being pushed to overlook boundaries thought, what Im most afraid of is: does LWs depression come with any self-harming inclinations? +1 absolutely, always. Especially when someone you love isnt ready or isnt currently up to taking steps for their own well-being. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. , moved country and started again without divorcing of its many flavors that. 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